Current Mood: Apathetic

Current Music: “So Long, Marianne” – Leonard Cohen

It’s the last day of 2025 so I feel like I’m obligated to reflect. I actually like reflecting but I’m in a bit of a weird mood today, so we’ll see how this goes. Not feeling very poetic and introspective. Doesn’t really feel like New Year’s Eve. The years have really started to mesh together since 2020. It’s wild the collective trauma we’ve all experienced and sometimes I have a hard time finding hope for a better, kinder, and safer world. It’s Pandora’s box though, isn’t it? You can unleash all the evils of the world on us but there will always be hope. I’ve actually felt guilt for my hope at times this year.

“Oh, I only have hope because my family isn’t being abducted by ICE.” Isn’t that counterproductive though? Should we not use our privilege to keep our spirits up to better help others? And are the people on the internet who spend all their time shaming others actually doing anything at all? Shame should be reserved for those with hate in their hearts. We should always choose education and provide resources. We should always look for that last thread of hope.

This was very much a rest and reset year for me. It feels like I have a lot of those unless I examine closer. I mean, I started off the year with my 19 year old brother staying on my couch for a month to get him back on track and give my mom time to grieve the loss of one of our family rocks. I love my brother with all my heart but opening up my studio apartment, offering money I don’t have, and the emotional labor can be so draining. I spent most of 2024 providing that for my little cousin in her first ever sobriety journey. I haven’t had much time to do nothing but help my loved ones and then take any opportunity to just check out. I talked about this a bit in my last entry I think, about burning down my business. Well, it’s been rough not having any direction or idea how to provide for myself. My husband does an amazing job at keeping me taken care of but my debt is his too. I need 2026 to have a less rest and more action (only when it comes to work and finances).

You know what I think I’ll do here? I think I will write out this little rambley entry about the struggles of the year and then write another one about the beauty and magic I found in it. I think I just need to type and ramble and stress out for a minute and I don’t wont those words to exist in the same container. Consider this my purging.

THIS YEAR FUCKING SUCKED. My phone addiction was at an all time high and my doom scrolling had me so paralyzed just watching all the damn suffering in the world. I’m $34,000 in debt last I checked. Kyle and I have been married for 4 years now and still haven’t had a honeymoon. The only (unpaid) “vacations” we’ve taken were for funerals. We sacrifice so much for others and thats okay, we love to do it, it just would be so nice to have more appreciation and acknowledgment. It would be so nice to be blessed somehow. It’s always the people with nothing who are the most generous. I’m tired of watching wealthy family members take their 8th vacation of the year while my mother and brothers are barely getting by. I hate seeing my Grammy have to go to food banks while the father of her kids visits his Costa Rica house. I’m tired of billionaires laughing while people die by their wallets. I’m tired of men raping and pillaging. I’m tired of religion and male gods. I’m tired of fucking social media brainwashing us all to fight each other instead of say, “yeah fuck this, we don’t have to live like this.” Also, I’m terrified of all the messages I’m receiving inquiring about web design. Crazy right? Like it’s literally my dream to design websites for people. But the second they mention a zoom call I panic and the imposter syndrome sets in. What is wrong with me?! Why can’t I just be a normal human? Fuck, the list goes on and on.

But then there’s Pandora’s box again and the hope that will always be there even when they try to convince us there is none. Even when we try to convince ourselves.