I want this diary to feel like you stumbled upon a livejournal in the late 90’s-early 2000’s. Or like you found a handwritten book left at a garden bench. Why do girls like me feel this powerful urge to share all their secrets? Is it to be seen and understood? As someone who grew up feeling like the weird girl and often times judged incorrectly, the moments I truly feel seen always stick with me. I’ve spent my entire life chasing that feeling and wanting to make others feel less alone. My friends will tell you I’m the best listener. They feel like they can be 100% open with me, and I pride myself on that. I think it’s cause I’m typically an open book myself. Every ugly detail. I don’t guard much personally. In my thirties I’ve learned to hide a little more away. But in my opinion, that’s because of the constant eyes on social media algorithms and society demanding women’s silence and performance. Fuck that. Maybe I have something to say. Maybe I have nothing to say. The only way to find out is to write.

“If you read, you’ll judge.”

–Kurt Cobain

I’m not one for introductions. I can’t tell you how many journals have been left blank because I felt pressured by introducing myself properly, even if nobody was ever supposed to see it. Or if I’m getting to know somebody and they ask me to tell them about myself, my mind goes blank. How do I sum myself up into a single introductory paragraph or bullet points? I guess I can try to give you the cliff notes and in later retellings you’ll unravel more.

• I was born off the Southern California coast in 1992 to nineteen year old Bernadette and my punk rock father Michael. They grew up in the same neighborhood. My paternal aunt even married my maternal uncle for some time, but it was a toxic relationship. The Offspring guys were buddies with my dad before they got famous. My mother and father didn’t make it past my 2nd birthday but remained friendly, she was even there when he died of cancer in 2018.
• My grandmother owned a historic theater in my childhood that her and her partner Hans (Poppy, I consider him my Grandfather even though they never married) restored and ran for many years. She employed a gang of young 20-something year old artists and musicians who turned the place into a community of creative misfits looking for a home. They played both live music and independent films, and had a small cafe. It was also very haunted.
• As long as I can remember I called myself a “Witch”. I was always the kid into all things paranormal, magical, and spooky. I would read tarot cards on the playground and my childhood best friend and I even started a ghost investigation club called “The Terror Twins”. We put flyers in peoples mailboxes, but only got prank callers.
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer has always been my entire personality. My dad and I stumbled upon it during the first airing of the season 1 episode titled “The Witch” and never looked back. I would spend hours in AOL chatrooms roleplaying various Buffy characters, joining guilds, designing graphics, and making Buffy fan sites on Geocities. I’m still just as obsessed to this day.
• I was a wild child in my teen years. Probably because I felt isolated at home with my then step father, for many years he was a good father figure to me, but his brainwashing by fox news was the likely start of the rift in our relationship. So I found solace in experimenting with psychedelics, devouring all things 60’s-70’s counterculture, my ipod only consisted of artists like Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, Janis Joplin, Nirvana, Hole, Bikini Kill, The Doors, and so on. I dreamed of revolution and “turning on, tuning in, dropping out”. I was obsessed with the civil rights movement and obsessed with the idea of young people standing for something and opening their minds through unconventional ways. Many times I have been on the edge of a much darker path but I had an amazing group of girlfriends who kept me sane enough. I was searching for deeper meaning and needed to make mistakes. I don’t regret much.
• Ok, who am I kidding, I was a wild child in my early 20s too. Then I met my husband after a string of bad relationships, situationships, and one night stands. Meeting him actually turned me into a misandrist because I discovered that men are capable of kindness, love, respect, and empathy. The majority just doesn’t behave that way. They would rather uphold patriarchy and domination and violence. Through him I felt empowered through feminism and also his unconditional love. Lots more on my sweet Kyle in later entries, I am not doing him enough justice in this bullet point!
• In 2021 I left the service industry to start my own online business, Wild Spellcraft. I never made more than $5,000 a year with it but it opened me up to so many amazing humans and experiences. I got to explore my art through the medium of my magic. I learned how to bind grimoires by hand and build confidence in my ability to build community. My family life often took me away from finding material success within my business. When you don’t have a regular 9-5 and naturally feel the need to save and help people, it kind of takes up all your time and people begin to expect that of you. This year I burnt it all down, minus some passive income listings on Etsy. I was so burnt out on the social media and branding aspect that came with running an online business I just couldn’t find creative joy and inspiration in only being one thing anymore. I also didn’t know how the hell I’m supposed to sell to people when fascists are destroying lives. Hence, Witch Muse was born. I do want to find a way to monetize this at some point because I can’t work a regular job anymore and I am struggling financially.. But I want to figure out how to do it in a way that still provides the bulk of it for free and uplifts others. I don’t know what that will look like. Maybe back to my childhood calling of designing websites? Maybe through some sort of radical string of mutual aid that uplifts an entire community? I don’t know. I’m figuring it out. For now, I just want to find joy in creating again and not be boxed in by it.
• Right now my current obsessions are this website, collecting physical media, and re-discovering my personal gnosis within my witchcraft. I’m tired of being nostalgic for everything and living in a constant state of fear. I want to take my life back from these capitalist fascist fucks. I want to stop choosing convenience over ritual and reward.

Anyways, if you haven’t noticed, I tend to ramble. I doubt anyone will read these entries anyway, we’re all too obsessed with the quick 15 second clips and an endless scroll with limited characters. It is my hope though this this website and maybe even this journal will inspire others to slow down a little. Connect with each other. Connect with yourselves. The world needs less influence, and a lot more inspiration.